


I Can Stop Our Time From Flying

by riversdamsel



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fob watch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-04
Updated: 2012-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-01 02:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/351167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riversdamsel/pseuds/riversdamsel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The small watch feels unusually heavy as he turns it over in his hand- and maybe it isn’t the watch at all, but the heaviness of the decision that comes with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Stop Our Time From Flying

The small watch feels unusually heavy as he turns it over in his hand- and maybe it isn’t the watch at all, but the heaviness of the decision that comes with it.

He’s been searching the universe for years, looking for a way to save her, _properly_ _save her_ , from that damned Library.  And now, years upon years later, he’s no closer to saving her than when he was handcuffed to that pole as the timer counted down to zero before giving off a blinding light that left nothing behind but the pain of unnecessary death- pain that never numbed over time, but grew with every “Hello, sweetie,” every suggestive smirk, and every look from those deep blue-green eyes that conveyed unconditional love.

He knew from the beginning that she would be someone of great importance to him, and even so he distanced himself from her in an attempt to convince himself that he could change things so she wouldn’t die for him, for _them_.  He had tried so hard not to fall for her.  But he did. 

She had started as a mystery, pulling him in with her _spoilers_ and surprising him with her level of intellect and ability to mentally keep up with him every step of the way, and at times even a step ahead, though he’d never admit it. She could fly his TARDIS, write in Gallifreyan, escape the most heavily guarded prison in the universe and convince an entire Roman army that she was Cleopatra- he would’ve been lying to himself if he said he wasn’t beyond intrigued.  The level of trust she put into him scared him, but what scared him even more was the level of trust _he_ put into _her_.  She entranced him with her playful banter, suggestive remarks and level of emotion that went so much deeper than all of that, something he dare not put a name to.  Soon he found himself unable to resist the temptation of getting to know her and then suddenly everything changed- just like she said. 

Time lord DNA, two hearts and the ability to regenerate.

For the first time in a very long while he could _allow_ himself to _love_.  Thoughts of the impossible ran through his mind- what if she had somehow survived in the Library?  Somehow found a way to regenerate?  He knew the chances of that were slim to none- there had been no body, but he refused to not have _hope_.  But all too soon everything changed- again.

Berlin, poison of the Judas tree and the sacrifice of all of her regenerations.

All of his hopes were extinguished- they could have had _lifetimes_ together, but now they only have one and he knows exactly how it will end- with her gone way before he's ready to let her go.  It made him angry and if she didn’t love him _so damn much_ , everything would have been, would be, so much easier.  But she did, _does_ , and no one ever said love was easy.

Every time a smile lit her face or a warm laugh escaped her, her couldn’t help but think of the Library- how devastated she had looked and how hard she had tried to hide it.  Before he had questioned the point of all of it when, in the end, she would die with a tear on her cheek and only the ghost of a smile gracing her lips.  What was the point of her being happy now when she’ll only be sad later?  But the answer is just that- she should be happy now _because_ everything will go wrong later. 

In the beginning, he had done nothing but waste their time together, trying to distance himself from her, trying to get her to diverge from the path destiny had laid out for her, and trying so hard to ignore his love for her and convince himself he was doing the right thing.  But he never really understood, never really _got it_.  Not until she tore time apart for _him_.  She had forced his eyes open, forced him see that she _loved_ him, no matter what, and more than anyone ever had or ever will.  She was _his_ and he was hers. 

So with a bow tie bonding them together and a kiss that restarted time, he married her.  On their first night together, they lied wrapped in a tangle of sheets and skin, whispering secrets into the night for only the other to hear.  He was lying with his head on her chest, listening to the wonderful echoing beat of her two hearts and swirling Galifreyan symbols across her golden skin when he told her, when he gave her the one thing he kept only for himself- his name.

That was the night he decided to push her death into the furthest corners of his mind and lock the memory away.  He didn’t know how long they would have together, but he could pretend it was forever, so that’s what he did.  They spent some of her nights travelling the universe and adventuring, and the rest they spent locked away in their room, not giving a single worry to anything or anyone besides one another.

It was inevitable that almost every time he would run into a different version of her, but he didn’t care- he loved her no matter where in their time stream.  It wasn’t until after an adventure full of burning villages and collapsing buildings did things take an unexpected turn.

Once they had made it back to the TARDIS, dirt smudged and bruised, he forced her to do a full body scan, despite her protests that she was fine.  After the scan was complete and the results popped up on screen, neither of them could do anything but stare at the only two words that seemed to matter.

PREGNANCY:  POSITIVE

He reached over and took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers, his eyes never leaving the screen.  They stared at the screen for what seemed like ages until, “Say something…” River whispered her voice barely audible even in the dead silent room.

When he looked at her he could see his own fear reflecting back at him in her face- what were they going to do?  A baby.

 _A baby_.

He giggled then, high-pitched and full of excitement, his face breaking into a childish grin of joy.  The tension seemed to leave River’s body as he gathered her in his arms and spun her around, exclaiming, “A baby, River!”

He kissed her soundly before putting her back down and lifting her shirt to press soft kisses across her belly.  “River, this is brilliant, this is-” he stopped mid-sentence upon seeing her forced smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sweetie, I just…parenthood…it’s not something that’s meant for us,” she said, looking anywhere but at his face.

“River Song,” he started, placing his hands on either side of her face and pressing a kiss on her forehead, “I know that tone.  It’s your worry-tone.  And there is _nothing_ to worry about.  Everything will work out.  And you,” he tapped her nose lightly, “are going to be a _wonderful_ mother.  It’s going to be _brilliant_.  Wait and see.”

He hugged her tightly and smiled at the feel of her smiling into his neck, knowing that he’s won her over.  He insisted that she stay with him, despite her arguing that she would never be able to find a job as a professor if she continued to stay with him, but he knew full and well that she would. 

Sometime later he decided it would be a good idea for them to paint the baby’s room themselves- but in the end, more paint ended up on them than on the walls, and the paint battle soon turned into a chase through the TARDIS, their laughter echoing through the corridors that fell silent once he caught her and carried her into their room.

Weeks later, River stood in front of the mirror, inspecting herself and worrying her bottom lip, the baby bump that had begun to form small and barely noticeable.  The Doctor walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, hands splayed across her belly and smiling, and River couldn’t help but smile back.

He woke in the middle of the night to find the bed empty beside him, a dim light shining into the room from underneath the crack of the door that led to the bathroom.  He climbed out of bed, hating the awful feeling that had suddenly washed over him, as if knowing what he’s going to find on the other side of that door.

He could hear her broken sobs before he pushed open the door to see her crumpled on the ground in a small pool of blood that stained his button up shirt that she wore, the bright red a sharp contrast against the white.  He dropped to the floor beside her and pulled her into his lap, hooking one arm under the crook of her knees to pull her closer and the other wrapping around her shoulders.  They stayed on the floor for what seemed like hours as River wept against his skin, but he didn’t cry- he needed to stay strong for her. 

After the tears ran out, they sat in silence until she spoke, “…I never knew how badly I wanted it…until it was gone…”

At that, he closed his eyes and held her tighter, having no words to console her. 

Together they got through it, and the days turned into months as the bitterness of loss slowly lost its edge.  They lock the memory of it away and move on, having new adventures and trying to forget about the one they’ll never have.

Now it’s years later and earlier in the night he had shown up at her door, which she answered with a brilliant smile and a kiss.  She had made a cheeky comment about his haircut as they walked hand in hand to the TARDIS, but then admitted that she really did love it, a fond smile playing across her lips.

He returned her smile with one of his own and told her to go change into something nice, swatting her bum playfully as she walked away- it was time he took her to the singing towers.

Now, having returned to the TARDIS hours ago, he’s sitting in a chair in their room, watching her sleep, the tangled sheets barely covering her bare form.  He smiles sadly at how peaceful she looks, a hint of a smile playing across her lips.

Oh, what a night it had been, but he just wishes he had more _time_.

Rule 408:  Time is not the boss of you.  A rule he’s always lived by.  And now it was mocking him, time was laughing at him as their last moments ticked by, their time line finally coming to a complete circle.

There is no win-win solution.  They are not a fairytale with a happy ending, but he can try to change that.

He smiles bitterly down at the fob watch as he traces the symbols engraved into the cold metal and he knows it will hurt, feeling the best memories slipping away from him, but it’s better than losing her- _anything_ is better than losing her.

This watch is slightly different in the mechanics from the last one- all he has to do is open it and both of their memories will be stored within.  They’ll both end up in the same time, but there is no guarantee they’ll end up in the same place- and that scares him.  But it doesn’t matter, even if they’re oceans apart, he’ll find her- _he_ may not know her, but his _soul_ will, and he refuses to believe otherwise.

The Doctor crawls into the bed next to River and lightly runs his fingertips up her bare leg.  Her eyes blink open sleepily and she smiles, “Hey…”

Her presses his forehead against hers and closes his eyes, “I love you, River,” he whispers.  “I love you, too,” she says, her fingers running through his hair and her brow scrunched together in concern, “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

“Do you trust me, River?”

“Always.”  Her reply is immediate, her eyes locked with his.

He kisses her then, deep and intense, as if he could put all of his love into one kiss as he intertwines his fingers with hers and opens the watch.

 


End file.
